WARNING: The following post could be considered a RANT...but I needed a bit of soul cleansing and what better place to do it than here...
My life is not adventurous the way I would like it to be, it isn't FUN like I thought it would be. We work hard and don't get to play hard... When I was a little girl all I wanted to do was have children that I could bake cupcakes for, make crafts with, read stories to. That was my fairy tale...in reality, raising kids is hard, marriage is really hard, there is a lot more yelling than I ever thought there would be...I even told myself that I wouldn't yell at my kids or argue with my husband.... that seems all but impossible now. No matter what you do, there is a lot more month than $$, a lot more homework and talking from 4 kids than my brain can handle on most days at 4pm, a lot more heated discussions and sibling arguments than I know what to do with.
It is very full, it is very busy and i guess in it's own way it is very beautiful. But it is not beautiful every day the way I want it to be or thought it would be..in my fairy tale world. My blessings are abundant and don't get me wrong, there are few people that I would want to trade places with but I read blogs and see people around me, some that make me laugh, some that make me cry, some that make me feel inadequate as a mother at times and others that make me wonder what am i doing wrong , why isn't my life "that" peaceful and accomplished???
My life is a contradiction in terms....this month has been hard - really hard in so many ways and in so many other ways it has been fulfilling. Maybe this is the same for everyone and they don't share that??? I don't know...but I decided that no more of that crazy living that makes store clerks look at me and say things like....."oh, you look tired..." or "rough day???" and my all time favorite..."You look like you have a full plate..." NONE of these are good for a girls ego! I need to find the right balance...the right mix.
I am going to make a VERY conscious effort to make my life the most beautiful that it can be for myself, my kids and my husband. To do the things that I really love doing and not feel like I am struggling to do it.... I hate when cooking and crafting feel like work when really they are some of my most favorite things to do.
I have no time to give up, and I am too tired to feel defeated....besides that is not me. My life isn't horrible, it is by most standards a pretty good one. I just feel so overwhelmed, overworked, underpaid and out of control! Seems like I am missing the magic potion that all these other women have that keeps them smiling and beautiful all the time. One of my girlfriends says it has something to do with Prozac and alcohol.....I don't know, but I know that I am not willing to go that route. I know that I am blessed - I just need to look at it a little differently sometimes. I need to start a journey of daily gratitude and remind myself that in the midst of the chaos there really is peace. I just need to find it tucked in there (probably in the fetal position like I would like to be when it gets really chaotic in my life, but nonetheless it is there). I ending the month with a list of the blessings that I have been given and being thankful for them. Some hidden that needed to be uncovered and dusted off a bit but there there. Then I am going to rewrite it and carry it with me so when I am feeling like my head is going to explode from stress I can either read it or force myself to add to it......
1. Child 1 a genuine, beautiful, spirited child with a tremendous work ethic.
2. Child 2...blessed by his brains, his curiosity, his gentle heart
3. Child 3...blessed by his strength and courage and his stubbornness. Reminding me that giving up is not an option.
4. Child 4...my insanity and sanity rolled into one. The little sunshine at the end of our tunnel.
5. A husband that comes home to me every day
6. Working with my mother every day...even on those days where I think that I could pull my hair out
7. A roof over my head
8. A husband with a job
9. Healthy (for the most part) Kids
10. A husband that loves me.
11. Kids that have good manners and respect adults
12. Electricity and food
13. Making it through childhood
14. Customers that come to see us every day
15. a big beautiful back yard
16. creative genetics
17. having good role models when i was a child
18. living close enough to the water that I can see the sun rise or set over it any day I want
19. Being able to make decisions for myself
20. Health care options for my children
21. my blue eyes
22. child 3 is still with us after last February
23. A father that gave me nothing - ever - but made me a survivor
24. A mother that did what she could
25. God for giving me all that he has given me
26. the challenges that have been blessings in disguise
27. a beautiful turkey on Thanksgiving....(I know that was a stretch)
28.A strong southern woman for a grandmother
29. The friends that I have had and lost along the way.
30. the ability to make changes when I need to